Bondage For Beginners!

The Submission of Of Emma Marx:Boundaries

When you think of “kinky”, often the first thing that pops into your head is the image of whips and chains, pain and pleasure. Playfully referred to as “whips and chains” by the public, such sex play may seem intimidating to the novice. And the idea of holding up such extreme play as only something “kinky” people do has kept many from exploring this side of their sexual selves.

But erotic bondage and BDSM (for “Bondage & Discipline/Sado-Masochism”) is both far more common and far less extreme in practice than most people think. Millions of couples have incorporated light bondage and fantasy discipline into their every-day sex lives without going to extremes. Once the practice is understood for what it is – and what it isn’t – then incorporating this kind of fantasy sex into your life is a great way to inject some passion and intensity into your relationship.

Understanding Bondage

Erotic bondage is simply the use of restraints on one partner during sex to suggest a loss of control that many folks find exciting. Control games such as tying-up or blindfolding your partner can be highly stimulating – some lovers who have a hard time reaching orgasm because of control issues find it far easier to do so once they have abandoned themselves to a light bondage scenario.

The restraints, as nominal as they might be, give them “permission” to relax and “let go” for their lover. There are degrees of bondage play, from a simple binding of hands with a silk tie or pantyhose, through the use of light handcuffs or Velcro bindings.

Understanding BDSM

Hand in hand with erotic bondage is BDSM – the “whips” part of “whips and chains”. While this aspect might be as daunting to some as bondage is to others, the safe and controlled fantasy power-plays between lovers can inspire great depths of passion, sexual exploration, and mind-numbing orgasms.

The same nerve cells on our skin that register a gentle caress become excited and super-sensitive when a little prodding is provided. The purpose of BDSM play is not to injure the recipient of the playful spanking, of course, or even cause pain. The goal for most beginners is merely to excite and sensitize the flesh to achieve greater responsiveness and orgasm.

Most beginners in BDSM confine themselves to a light spanking, with hand, small whip or paddle, often followed with tiny caresses that can inspire tremendous erotic sensation. More important is the issue of control.

It’s common in both genders to have fantasies of control that may include naughty schoolgirl/boy, “French Maid”, boss/secretary, master/slave girl and other erotic role-playing games. Accessories to compliment these fantasies are widely available, from paddles, whips, and other “spanking implements” to costumes appropriate to any fantasy. And the explosion of bondage enthusiasts has given rise to dozens of new restraint systems and adult sex toys designed for gentle sex play.

Safety First

The Submission of Of Emma Marx:Boundaries

But even the novice BDSM enthusiast needs to remember a few key rules to restraints and sex play. First there is the “safe word” – a mutually-agreed-upon word unlikely to come up in the scene (“umbrella” or “pickle” are popular) which, when spoken by either party, indicates that someone is feeling uncomfortable with the scenario and wants to stop. Agreeing to a safe word is vital to fostering the sense of trust necessary to have a truly enjoyable BDSM experience.

Another mistake some novices make in their enthusiasm is introducing too many BDSM elements into their sex lives too quickly. Not only can a mountain of riding crops and handcuffs be intimidating to a partner new to the practice, but trying to incorporate too much too soon can put a strain on the relationship and lead to a disappointing experience if you are not mindful.

Try introducing one or two elements at a time, and add to them as you and your partner decide which things you found enjoyable. Usually starting with a simple blindfold and an easily-escapable bondage rig – tying your mate’s hands loosely to the bedposts with a couple of old ties or Velcro restraints, for example – is enough of a start to get you and your partner comfortable with the idea. After that, explore your fantasies with expansions of your bondage gear gradually.

An important consideration is how tightly you bind your partner (or wish to be bound yourself.) Many novice BDSM enthusiasts make the mistake of thinking that the best way to begin is by tightly immobilizing their partner to the point where escape on their own is difficult or impossible.

While it’s true that a loss of control is implicit in the BDSM experience, it’s also important to remember that a novice is going to be nervous about that loss of control and might panic when faced with true immobility. Approach such a situation with understanding and patience, not frustration. Remember, only about 30% of what you try in bed will work out for you – don’t be afraid to admit that you aren’t into it if you aren’t.

Nor do you have to jump to extremes to enjoy the spice that comes from such explorations. Usually the simple illusion of immobility is quite enough to convince someone to abandon their sense of control – once they are satisfied that they can escape at will if they get uncomfortable. Lightly-restricting bondage gear with quick-release fasteners is usually perfectly adequate for a beginner’s BDSM experience.

Regardless of the degree of your experimentation, adding a little spice to your intimate relationship with BDSM play and light bondage can bring a thrill to both of you . . . when you do it right.